The misogyny overlay
Anticipatory stress in the era of the emboldened manosphere
“Even if this country doesn't turn into a full-blown oligarchy, ordinary people like us will feel the trickle-down effects of misogyny. When political leaders express contempt for women's autonomy or dismiss their concerns, it creates what sociologists call a ‘permission structure’ for similar behavior at every level of society.” —
In mid-November, still raw from the reality of the election results, I found myself surrounded by incredible, brilliant humans, brought together by First Partner of California, Jennifer Siebel Newsom, and her organization, the California Partners Project. This was their 2nd Gender Equity Summit and this year’s summit centered around the theme: Health & Safety. The summit was not in response to the election, of course, but the timing added a heaviness that flavored the way we engaged and absorbed the conversation.
I fit into the “Health” side of the summit – invited to apply the Maternal Stress Project framework to moderate a conversation about Women’s Mental Wellness at Every Age. The panel brought together three women with deep expertise in areas across the spectrum – from maternal health to the health impacts of the gendered division of labor in the home, to the risks specific to perimenopause and menopause. I had not deeply considered the safety side of the Maternal Stress Project yet (except for safety related to reproductive health and health care access, and child safety), but as the summit kicked off, it quickly became clear: women’s health and safety are inextricably linked when considered through the lens of stress.1
Perception of safety triggers the ancient parts of our brain related to survival. A key signal for how to internalize and respond to our external world. Women’s safety and perception of safety relates to fear and anticipatory stress and the real physical consequences of constant exposure to either or both. Everything discussed in that room related to women’s health and wellness.
Prior to the event, I had added Intimate Partner Violence to the stressor map – discussed in the context of child care, housing, financial stability, abortion access – as it is a fear-based stressor and adds tremendous weight to the stressors it connects with. Sexual harassment and sexual assault were also already on the map. I had not yet considered gender-based violence, especially online gender-based violence, but even adding that one in didn’t feel quite sufficient.
Because one key thing fueling these obvious stressors, especially in the context of safety, was still not on map… or was it everywhere on the map?
Misogyny.
Not necessarily a distinct stressor itself, rather, a cultural poison that could be visualized as an overlay on the map, flaring up the severity of nearly every stressor from healthcare access/experience to mental load to workplace tension. Misogyny feeds into social narrative and access to social services. It affects financial stability and sleep. It even affects the way women access time for stress reduction by enforcing the cultural narrative that women’s time is less valuable.
When I have talked about overlays on the stressor map up to this point, it always came up in the context of opportunities in the stress—>health conversation – how broad policies, culture shift, etc, improve health. Paid leave is my favorite example of an overlay. Having access to paid leave – for childbirth recovery, infant care, family caregiving, etc. – relieves the pressure off of stressors across the map. As an overlay, paid leave is a key opportunity to reduce the disproportionate stress load that falls to women and mothers while also reducing stress for all parents and family caregivers.
Misogyny is not that kind of overlay.
The misogyny overlay adds weight to the stress load across the map. Another view of how stress disproportionately affects women. It is why we need to consider the gendered nature of stress and the effects on health, at an individual and public health level. Now, more than ever because misogyny (at least the outward expression of it) is on the rise.
Within 24 hours of the election results in November, the misogynistic chants “your body, my choice” and “get back in the kitchen” went viral both online and off. An example of the floodgates springing open thanks to the “trickle down effects of misogyny” of the toxic political win.
Of course, we have already seen and been exposed to the way sexism plays out in society. This is not run-of-the-mill sexism. This is the dangerous side of sexism. When I posed the question – ‘How would you describe the connection between misogyny and sexism?’ to
, therapist and author of Sexism & Sensibility: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in The Modern World and on Substack, she answered:“I think of sexism as an ideology that believes women are more nurturing and empathic, less cut out for thinking and leadership and therefore must play certain roles. When women violate these ideals and threaten the patriarchal order, it stirs up misogyny in men who feel entitled to their privilege and to female care. Their hostility toward women is a way of getting women to back off--women who they genuinely believe are doing something wrong. It's a way of maintaining their positions and a system that feels like a birthright.” — Jo-Ann Finkelstein
The more subtle, unprotected assault that worries me most
What does it mean if the floodgates to misogyny open? How will this show up in daily life? How will it show up in the daily stress load as it relates to being a woman in America?
Jo-Ann wrote an excellent piece on trickle-down misogyny and women’s vigilance (with glimpses of how it could all stoke rebellion!):
When we chatted about the vigilance stress discussed in her piece, she added:
“It relates to that sense of safety--or lack thereof. The unconscious sense of danger that's always with us – it's exacerbated, it's magnified.”
It’s a constant background hum in our brain, a source of anticipatory stress that never shuts off.
It’s the psychological equivalent of carrying keys between your fingers when you walk down a dark street. We’re scanning. Always scanning. When the threat is potentially in anything and from anywhere, we carry a baseline of anticipatory stress that follows us throughout the day. If we have daughters, we extend this anticipatory stress to fears for them as well.
And then, of course, within that constant state of vigilance and anticipatory stress, there are also points of distinct stressor exposure – specific incidences of gender based violence – that will increase as the misogyny floodgates open wider. It may not take the form of a physical assault, most of the time it won’t, but psychological abuse can have real, physical repercussions on a woman’s health – a “stress assault”.
How psychological abuse (versus physical abuse) relates to the negative mental health effects is well known in cases of intimate partner violence. Psychological abuse and the impacts on mental health has also been demonstrated for online/technology-assisted gender based violence. The more severe forms of online harassment – threats, stalking, sexual harassment and harassment over a long time period - has also been correlated with mental distress, and women are more likely than men to be exposed to these more extreme forms. I have not seen the term “stress assault” used but I wonder how it might bridge the gap from the psychological to the physical in a different way, especially for the cases that revolve around a constant low level presence of real or potential harassment and in cases that balance on a fuzzy line before tipping into overt gender-based violence.
And with most attacks being online, in an era where most social media platforms are gutting any semblance of protections, there is little to stop the flood. A 2023 study by the ADL Center for Technology and Society documented how social media platforms have done a terrible job supporting victims of online abuse and women find themselves at the receiving end when it comes to the most aggressive and violent language. And that study was completed before a certain titan of social media declared the need for more masculinity.
As a stressor node on the map, gender-based violence is time bound with an extended tail. Considering it now, it seems silly to time bound this at all. Especially when the stressor relates to targeted misogynistic vitriol on and offline, which can happen at any point in life.
Avoiding exposure to online misogyny seems like a simple shutting off of devices. Not sticking your neck out for the chop. Existing quietly in the background = a self-care mechanism for living in times of the manosphere.
This worries me most.
Fear of physical assault by a stranger often revolves around having those keys at the ready, deciding which street to walk down, or avoiding the walk altogether. But what if we all stopped walking? In the digital universe, fear of misogynistic attacks and gender based violence results in the subtle silencing of voices, the closing of community, and the quieting of research dissemination:
“[technology assisted gender based violence] silences the voices of women online, causing them to self-censor and reduce or end their participation in digital spaces and leadership roles. The systemic impact of this silencing reinforces patriarchal gender roles, discourages women from taking up leadership roles, and reduces online content related to equality and human rights.” — Dunn, 2020
And
“Academics are increasingly exhorted to disseminate their work and to engage with an audience outside academia but the online violence against female academics compromises their ability to fulfill this agenda.” — Kavanaugh & Brown, 2019
So, not only are these types of threats stressors, they are also setting up a self-perpetuating loop that will continue to fuel patriarchal beliefs, sexism, and the explosion of state-sanctioned misogyny. Do we really have to choose between continuing the push towards critical progress and our own health?
What can we do about it?
I don’t have the answer so I’m leaning on the wisdom of others.
For example, I love this call for community and the building of a Womansphere by
in her piece Breakup with the Manosphere:“The manosphere thrives on reinforcing outdated power structures. The womansphere reimagines them entirely, creating a space for equity, inclusivity, and growth—online and offline, where women can connect without fear.” – Shannon Watts
As for how to tackle the explosion of misogyny head on… well, that’s tricky, but we can start at home. Especially for parents with boys. I spoke with
, co-author of the upcoming book Talk to Your Boys and the on Substack. He explained how all of this has festered in the age of the internet because boys are craving role models, the algorithms reward the loudest misogynists, and kids are using technology to turn inward right at the time when they need outside guidance the most. To counter this, parents and trusted adults have to recognize the importance of staying tapped in:“I think people opt out a little too early. Parents often talk with elementary school age kids a lot, but when kids get to middle school age, part of their job is to individuate and separate a little bit from their parents. That’s a time in life where peers and the outside world start to become bigger influences. This is when parents need to push a little bit and say, ‘you're 12/you're 13/you're 16 – you're not done growing as an adult. You still need us. You can have your own ideas, but I still want to be in the mix of it with you.’ And kids still want that.
Kids really want adult guidance. When we don't give it to them, that's where you see boys going to someone like Andrew Tate, looking for guidance about how to be a man. They're doing that because as a young person trying to become an adult, they are looking for models of how adults live and are successful.
We have to have thoughtful, considerate people engaging in those conversations and mixing it up a little bit. Kids will sometimes say things that come off as offensive, or things that you do not agree with, and you can't dismiss it with ‘you're wrong’ or ‘you're punished’. We need to approach these conversations with curiosity: ‘Oh, tell me where you got that idea’. We have to treat them as developing thinkers who are trying to figure out the world, and let them make some mistakes and missteps and learn to correct themselves while helping them develop those critical thinking muscles. We can also expose them to the world and help them find alternative role models. They will still find outside influences. But don't give up your position as the main influence.” — Christopher Pepper
Where is the hope?
In an attempt to channel a two sides to the coin perspective inspired by my care burden/joy conversation with
, I hold onto the hope that there is a deeper meaning in all of this and a cause for positive thinking. How, as much as it sucks to be in this stage of history, we are in a moment that represents backlash against progress. A reminder that we have made incredible strides with something bigger bubbling below the surface:“Tech-facilitated gender-based violence against women is the new backlash against women's progress, women's mental health, and women's agency.” - Gender Equity Summit participant
And
“When there is backlash, it is because there is progress. We know that we're making progress because insecure men are going nuts.” –
Jo-Ann also put everything into historical context, reminding readers that:
“I believe we must remain vigilant to the political landscape but I also find relief in the idea of community as both a space for individual respite and a foundation for resistance. These connections can transform individual anxiety into collective strength, much like the women’s movements of the past. Autocratic leaders understand what history has repeatedly shown: when women organize in response to oppression, they become an unstoppable force for change.” –
In terms of how we consider what feels like a backslide in the context of culture,
gives this reminder:“While there is a chance that things will regress and go backwards, to me, it feels like we will keep moving towards a more equal society in the long run. I'm thinking about civil rights and gay rights and movements like that, where there were times of pushback and setbacks, but if you dial out and look over a span of decades, you see a lot of movement in the right direction.
Facing pushback against that forward momentum can be uncomfortable. Especially when you’re in the middle of the pushback, it can feel like, ‘oh, all of our progress is gone’. That’s when we have to keep our heads up, build community, and encourage each other. I’m convinced that most people believe in fairness. Most people believe that folks should have the right to do what they want with their lives and not be discriminated against based on who they are. We’re just right in the middle of one of those pushbacks now.” — Christopher Pepper
and
“As an example of progress, I think about how we now have so many more empowering conversations about consent now. It's really different than it was even 20 years ago.
When I started doing rape prevention work as a freshman in college in the early 90s, the whole emphasis was on women and frontloaded messages about how to protect yourself, like how to hold your keys between your knuckles to punch an attacker in the face. There were a lot of messages about women being scared and having to learn self defense.
I was one of the few men volunteering in the Rape Education office, and so they'd send me out to fraternities and dorms to talk to other men, and the language we had in our scripted presentation was not very empowering - essentially ‘here's a list of things you can't do’ and ‘You definitely don't want to get arrested, so don't do these things’.
That language has evolved a lot - now we talk about sexuality more holistically and teach a ‘yes means yes’ standard for consent. We talk about how getting together with someone is supposed to be a fun project, where you're both trying to make each other feel good - afterwards, maybe you want to do it again, maybe you don't, but at least it was enjoyable for everyone. That is a giant shift that has happened within my lifetime.” — Christopher Pepper
I hate to wrap this on a downer note – I wish I could point to the immediate solutions to shut off this stressor for everyone – but it feels like the overlay will sit on the stressor map for a while at least and it may get worse before it gets better.
As Shannon Watts, Jo-Ann Finklestein, and Christopher Pepper point out, community is everything right now – a way of feeling less alone and a potent stress buffer and an act of resistance. If you are looking for ways to grow your own community, definitely check out what
is building:
We can also look to the ways to decrease anticipatory stress with some degree of predictability and doses of control. Besides shutting yourself off from the world, I hope we can find some relief in how we all acknowledge, in community, the pain and stress of finding ourselves smack in the middle of this moment in history – how we feel as women, parents with daughters, and parents with sons.
I’ll start – it really sucks to be stuck in this moment of history marked by cultural pushback against feminine and female gains. It sucks to be a parent right now and feel both fear and responsibility for how things will change. It sucks to be afraid to put ideas out into the world that may challenge patriarchal beliefs and stir up the misogynistic trolls. It sucks that there is a very real chance you will be harassed, verbally abused or worse when you dare to walk across their troll bridge as a woman on the internet. It sucks to know that living through this moment in history could affect our health in ways that will likely be ignored.
So let’s keep talking about it, find each other, and push through together.
P.S. In case you missed the webinar… here you go!
(note: this gets cut off at the Q&A but if you are interested in that part, reply to this email and I’ll send you the link)
Note — this piece centers on women and women's health because that is where I feel most confident in my expertise. But it is important to point out that an even bigger threat right now is against the trans community, as the challenges to their very legitimacy is a psychological threat that I cannot even begin to qualify or even fathom, especially in the context of fear and safety.
thanks for mentioning the How to Find Your People Club, Molly!
Loved talking to you Molly! Such a smart, thought-provoking piece about stress and misogyny that I will be pondering for a long time.