Alternative Mother's Day gifts
a silk pillowcase is not going to cut it this year.
Honestly, I thought I would just let this holiday pass without writing something to acknowledge it1. But, here I am, coming to you with more Mother’s Day content.
While I’m not sure if I ever loved being celebrated as a mother on this one specific day each year, I know that the 2021 pandemic Mother’s Day really rubbed me the wrong way:
“Feeling a bit mixed on this Mother's Day. Not because I don't love being a mom to these crazy girls. Not because I don't want to honor my incredible mother (she's a freaking hero and hopefully she already knows I think that about her). I just feel like mothers really got shafted this year and having a single day labeled "Mother's Day" after the shitstorm we all endured is super lame.”
Fast forward to 2024, and I still find this day frustrating — the way we hold up motherhood without any acknowledgment of the shitstorm mothers continue to endure. A single day should not get everyone off the hook and reset the next 364 days of the year.
When I was discussing performative Mother’s Day celebrations with my collaborator
, we starting hatching a plan to specifically call out the way consumer wellness culture borrows from mental health language without actually solving anything and then has the nerve to latch onto this Hallmark holiday and make it so much worse. Our thinking was this: “You want moms to be well? You want moms to be healthy? You want moms to be happy? well-rested? appreciated? valued? loved? Well, do we have some great gift ideas for you!”While we continue working on that breakdown (more on that soon!), I have been getting pummeled with ads and articles claiming to be the “Best Mother’s Day Gift Guide EVER!” (clearly I clicked on a link once and forgot to decline cookies).
I felt baited.
After cruising Good Housekeeping’s “58 Best Mother’s Day Gifts”2 and getting mildly agitated by at least 43 of the 58, I pulled a bunch of stand-outs and added an Alternative! for each with a “perfect gift” suggestion that is guaranteed* to improve mom’s health3!
*ok, guarantee not guaranteed… but these will sure as hell do more for her health than a single product purchased for a single day.
Gift #1 — Stanley cup – the “Mother’s Day Thirst Quencher”
Great, let’s increase the number of times mom will get interrupted while attempting to pee in peace.
Alternative! Instead of insisting that she needs a better way to have a bigger beverage container when “on the go”, let’s start by acknowledging that mothers are often “on the go” because they are the ones taking on a bulk of the unpaid labor to make the home and family function.
Perfect gift for the mom who is especially time poor when it comes to leisure time (hint: ALL moms): share the labor load and/or decrease expectations that she will be default on nearly everything kid and home-related. Give her back more time to sit and enjoy a liquid beverage in a regular ‘ol glass in the comfort of her own home or (gasp!) at a cafe with a friend (stress buffer!). And make sure she can access her leisure time all year round.
Gift #2 — Bonsai tree – “Known to bring good luck, as long as she tends to it, it can thrive for years and years.”
Wait, what? You are really going to give her something else to “tend”? You want to add the thriving of a tiny tree to the load of things she has to worry about when the care burden already disproportionately falls on her shoulders? Did anyone think this one through?
Alternative! – Maybe the goal of gifting a Bonsai tree is to encourage her to stop and slow down or perhaps add a little ‘nature’ to her day…
If so, here’s your perfect gift for the year: go fight for workplace flexibility and a work culture that recognizes family responsibilities extends to men too so that you (dad4) and your male counterparts can step into caregiving; set a new standard for the culture that will benefit all caregiving workers around you and beyond.
This gift will open up more time for moms to tend to whatever other living thing or non-living thing (like, say, their careers) that they choose.
“If we want to see greater gender equality, we need to not just focus on women’s participation in the professional world — we need to encourage more men to participate in the caregiving world.” - Kate Mangino + me.
Gift #3 — 100% pure silk pillowcase – “Give her a good nights sleep”
I think you can guess where I’m going with this one…
Alternative! – Sleep. Real, actual, SLEEP. Sleep has its own problematic loop when it comes to stress (stress affects sleep, sleep affects stress, and round and round you go). So what is actually interrupting her sleep? And what are other “gifts” that could help improve it?
A few ideas for determining your perfect gift: new baby waking up every few hours? share the night shift. Checklist of kid sign ups running through her head at 3am? Take over that job, start to finish! Emotional load of parenting a tween weighing on her at midnight? Well, that one is trickier but I do have thoughts.
For more validation that you could directly impact her health by helping her sleep through the night, I especially love this commentary article in Biological Psychiatry that calls for a “sleep prescription” for postpartum depression. Spoiler: there is zero mention of a brand new silk pillow case.
Gift #4 — Heating pad for neck and shoulders – because “A mom's life comes with lots of stress, so soothe her sore neck and shoulders with this heating pad”
[insert WTF emoji here]
Alternative! – ooooh boy. Here is the map.
Perfect gift: Pick a thing 👆🏼
Gift #5 — Temperature control smart mug – “ it'll keep her drink nice and warm, even if she poured it two hours ago and forgot to drink it”
Do you know why she “forgot to drink it”? She was chasing a toddler around all morning because the child care center called and said your kid has a runny nose and needs to be home for the next three days… for the 15th time this month. On top of that, her brain is currently overloaded attempting to Tetris5 summer camps for your eight year old.
But, cool, thanks for the reminder that moms are so “forgetful” 😒.
Alternative! – Change the default parent expectations in the house. Take the baby. Take the toddler. Share the kid-home-from-school responsibility. Own the game of summer camp Tetris.
Perfect gift: source and plan for emergency back up child care (it’s a stress buffer!) for the entirety of next year.
Too much? Just make her a fresh cup of coffee and/or see alternatives to the Stanley cup above.
Gift #6 — The “Weekender” bag – “When she's only going away for a day or two”
Is it fair to wonder why she is only going away for a day or two? Is it because you, father of the same children, are “not keen” on being left alone with your kids (an actual phrase used in an actual conversation when a bunch of friends were trying, unsuccessfully, to plan a girls weekend… nope, I’m not bitter at all)
Alternative! – Give her the WHOLE DAMN WEEK. And while we’re at it, work towards normalizing that she is taking the whole damn week. Talk it up with friends. Discuss it with your colleagues. Avoid saying that you are “babysitting” while she is away. Do not make her feel guilty for taking a day or two or the whole damn week. Do not call her every day to ask her what to feed your kids for dinner at any point during that day or two or the whole damn week. Do not ask her to “bring the baby” because you cannot handle two children under the age of four by your (big, adult) self6.
Perfect gift add-on: do not add to her mental load and expect her to prepare everything or anything before she departs for her day or two… or the WHOLE DAMN WEEK.
Ok, now we have the go-to list for partners to step up for the mothers of their children (yes, this applies mainly to dads, see footnotes below). Should I make a list for the politicians that will inevitably send a “Happy Mother’s Day! I love mothers!” message to constituents but never throw a “yes” vote towards anything that will actually support them?
Yeah. I can’t help myself, here you go.
The perfect gift for mom constituents:
Gift #1 – Legalize abortion – For the mother who cannot have it all… because you have already made it impossible by limiting access to every possible support measure that would make motherhood (or any additional children) at all feasible. We also appreciate that this comes with bonus gifts for any woman who might need access to this lifesaving health care (and that includes mental health) – for respecting her choice, autonomy over her body, and prioritizing her life and health over whatever you expect that ball of cells to turn into. It is Mother’s Day, after all.
Gift #2 – Paid Leave – See gift #1. I know you don’t think that women should be working to begin with but the reality is that most women are working or need to work or want to work and they are not able to because, well, see gift #3.
Gift #3 – Fund child care – Reliable, accessible, AFFORDABLE, safe child care. The gift that keeps on giving! It’s amazing what a investment will do for women’s health. Plenty to say about that here and here.
Gift #4 – Fund family caregiving support – 75% of family caregivers are women and many of those women have children to care for as well. This is not just the Sandwich Generation, this is the Panini Generation – a whole lotta women being absolutely squeezed on either side of family responsibility because we live in a country that both expects and ignores the unpaid labor required to provide a decent, respectful existence for humans who need any degree of care.
Gift #5 – Make pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum recovery SAFE FOR EVERYONE. Not just that pretty #tradwife who had a delicious birth7 with her wealthy white husband who donated a shitload of money to your campaign, EVERYONE. Because, right now, it is not safe. Mothers are dying. Or they are nearly dying (that is also an unacceptable outcome). Both results skew heavily towards Black mothers. Since this one also has a lot to do with Gift #1, 2, and 3, you have some options here for the absolute perfect gift!
Gift #6 – Get over yourself. You are not an expert in this. You are not the ones to be talking about women’s bodies (do you have one?), or caregiving responsibilities (have you ever had to care for another individual?), or returning to work postpartum while you are still bleeding because you cannot afford to not show up. Are you the dog in the room discussing feline healthcare? If so, give up your seat.
Ok, this may be a snarky way of pointing out the obvious – I’m over this fake holiday. Every year presents a new opportunity to positively impact mothers in our lives, in our community, in this country, and yet, every year we say “yay, moms!” and then backslide. We applaud for a single day and forget to give a shit the other 364 days.
So, here is my request to those single-day celebrators: Be honest (or do something!)
Don’t pretend to celebrate mothers on Mother’s Day if you actually don’t care about women’s health, mothers’ health, your partner’s health, the health of the person who takes on a disproportionate amount of the care of YOUR children (or the children in your constituency, that you claim to be concerned about).
Don’t pretend to honor mothers or the work they do or make mention of how they are just so “super” when most of them are broken or breaking under the weight.
Don’t mindlessly buy the mom in your life something from a list of “self-care” gifts for Mother’s Day. If you must, throw in an Alternative! bonus item from the list above so that the job of “stress relief” is not solely her responsibility.
Recognize that there are real stress-reducing “gifts” that you can offer, as a partner. Real stress-reducing “gifts” you can fight for in your community or your workplace. Real stress-reducing “gifts” that you can fight for at a state or federal level.
There are better, more impactful ways to “make Mom feel like she’s on cloud nine this NEXT Mother’s Day” and for the other 364 days of the year.
Quick note, in case you are new here:
Every now and then, I have a bit of a rage piece that is light on the science and very light on the deep topic exploration side of things. This week was clearly in that category.
If you’re here for the deeper stuff and this one threw you off a bit, I will get back on track next week with a stressor map dissection to wrap up the thread on these two pieces:
And
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Sharing and spreading the word is equally valuable and appreciated!
There are very real reasons why some folks are especially triggered by a day dedicated to celebrating mothers and motherhood and I want to acknowledge that I do not fall into those categories – my feelings are more squirmy than wound-salting.
First — Why “58?” Is it because another site had 55? Or because Women’s Health Mag has 57? Are the number of items on a gift guide the new number of razor blades in the razor battle?
Second, since I first wrote this, the article has been updated to 56 things with my favorite #1, the Stanley cup, removed. Maybe they knew this one was ridiculous. Or is the Stanley cup fad no longer? Or does everyone just already have one and not need another?
Yes, all of these are aimed towards “dad” making purchases for “mom” because children are not the ones buying the $150 self-heating cup.
Also, yes, language is framed for different-sexed couples because, well, they have a worse track record for equality issues in the home that could affect a woman’s health.
see above footnote
Yes, “Tetris”is a verb when it comes to school-aged kids summer camps. I’m sure I am not the first one (or last) to use it in this way. Summer camp is not just puzzle work. It is puzzle work under pressure and you don’t know what piece will fall next, everything starts moving faster, and if you don’t do something about the piece falling RIGHT NOW, you are absolutely f-ed and your kid is going to hate you forever for not getting them into dodgeball camp with their best friend Janey for that one week in July.
For more summer camp anxiety + a history lesson on how we got to this point of insanity, see this great post by
at .All of these sourced from real anecdotal stories of mom friends leaving (or attempting to leave) town without children in tow. And, no, I have never never ever heard a gender swapped version of these comments.
ew.
Love: "Pick a thing."
I loved this and agree with it 1000% I know the audience for this piece is directed towards the partners of mothers and I know that mothers don't ever need anything more "to do" and that if they do anything they need help from the partners/others but I can't help but think about the role mothers play in owning these "gifts." Speaking from personal experience, I know I need sleep and would love to get away for a week, or be able to go to coffee with a friend, but I also know the guilt that comes with these things (or perhaps worse, the mental math that happens before I decide my brain is too tired and it's easier if I just don't do all those extra things). It's my work to figure out how to get comfortable with that/ask for help, etc. When more of us are forthright and confident in owning our needs and valuing these activities not as "extras" or "luxuries", or "treats," but necessities, then I think we'll start to see some shifting. As a society we have internalized these patriarchal structures such that we've normalized the insanity that is modern-day motherhood and there is nothing about it that allows for consistent wellbeing. We've basically become accustomed to this "reality" and it's a complete illusion. I see the tradwife trend as a response to this in the "I give up" vein. Then there are the activists that are speaking up and out about it (like you). And then there is the majority—everyone else—along for the ride. We need more awakening! More of the majority needs to find their voice and speak up about these things. Then, watch out 😊.