Your point about our propensity to designate categories to sort and group us into and how it leads to more stress is spot on. I've always felt this tension when society talks about how when you have a baby your "maternal instinct" will suddenly appear - just like flipping a switch. But then, if that instinct doesn't magically materialize, then according to our society's categorizations, we now are failing as mothers. What a way to stack up stress on top of an already stressful period...not to mention the preexisting general anxiety before the baby arrives of related to just the worrying of "will I be a good mother/when will my maternal instinct arrive?"
I really like how Chelsea Conaboy approaches the "myth" of maternal instinct in her book, Mother Brain. I come back to her thinking quite a bit when I approach approach this topic.
2nd comment, replying to your question at the end😅: One thing I'm doing in my own partnership and home to help reduce/eliminate the root sources of stress is to implement some of the Fair Play principles and actually offload some of the mental load / to-dos of the house & parenthood onto my partner or other helpers. And hot damn, has it been helpful. It's resulted in less delegating / trying to better cope with all the things, and instead, truly less things to manage!
This is a really great article, as always Molly! I really appreciate the nuanced approach to how important it is to consider all the different layers of stress. This is incredibly applicable to my work as a career coach partially focused on stress and burnout.
I often try to dance a delicate dance in my work that you always sum up perfectly-- how to balance equipping people with more stress buffer tools while also reducing the amount of stressors they face? How to avoid victim blaming or focusing on surface level solutions while also acknowledging that sometimes we can't fix (or quickly fix) the root cause of the stress so Band-Aids are better than nothing?
I've certainly tried to balance tackling stress all all three levels (threat -> appraisal -> response) in my work, but I'm going to take a fresh look at my stress-focused sessions to make sure it's a balanced approach. Thanks for the inspiration ;)
And, as an aside, on "grit"-- UGH! I sorta hate this word?! Back in my HR consulting days, I can't tell you how often leaders would use excuses like "We just need gritter people" to ignore the fact that their workplaces were toxic and unsustainable. 🤮
I do think its important to equip individuals with the tools to handle what comes their way and deeply appreciate the work you do. And equally important to keep eyes on the bigger solutions.
I so agree! I'm glad there are folks dedicated to both ends of the solution spectrum... I hope we can recruit more folks for all aspects of this work too!
I'm really glad there are people like you working to document the big picture and call out those bigger solutions.
Just received it! I read your interview with her when I was about 75% of the way through writing this and incorporated her awesome quote above. Excited to read the book!
Aha! Somehow that didn't come up on my phone at first read. Seeing in my computer now, there it is. Yay! So fun to be "in convo" with you on all this. I'll share with Holding Co, too, and share with my audience in the Sunday 5.
Your point about our propensity to designate categories to sort and group us into and how it leads to more stress is spot on. I've always felt this tension when society talks about how when you have a baby your "maternal instinct" will suddenly appear - just like flipping a switch. But then, if that instinct doesn't magically materialize, then according to our society's categorizations, we now are failing as mothers. What a way to stack up stress on top of an already stressful period...not to mention the preexisting general anxiety before the baby arrives of related to just the worrying of "will I be a good mother/when will my maternal instinct arrive?"
This is an excellent point, Shannon!
I really like how Chelsea Conaboy approaches the "myth" of maternal instinct in her book, Mother Brain. I come back to her thinking quite a bit when I approach approach this topic.
2nd comment, replying to your question at the end😅: One thing I'm doing in my own partnership and home to help reduce/eliminate the root sources of stress is to implement some of the Fair Play principles and actually offload some of the mental load / to-dos of the house & parenthood onto my partner or other helpers. And hot damn, has it been helpful. It's resulted in less delegating / trying to better cope with all the things, and instead, truly less things to manage!
yes yes yes!
This is a really great article, as always Molly! I really appreciate the nuanced approach to how important it is to consider all the different layers of stress. This is incredibly applicable to my work as a career coach partially focused on stress and burnout.
I often try to dance a delicate dance in my work that you always sum up perfectly-- how to balance equipping people with more stress buffer tools while also reducing the amount of stressors they face? How to avoid victim blaming or focusing on surface level solutions while also acknowledging that sometimes we can't fix (or quickly fix) the root cause of the stress so Band-Aids are better than nothing?
I've certainly tried to balance tackling stress all all three levels (threat -> appraisal -> response) in my work, but I'm going to take a fresh look at my stress-focused sessions to make sure it's a balanced approach. Thanks for the inspiration ;)
And, as an aside, on "grit"-- UGH! I sorta hate this word?! Back in my HR consulting days, I can't tell you how often leaders would use excuses like "We just need gritter people" to ignore the fact that their workplaces were toxic and unsustainable. 🤮
Love this, Lydia!
I do think its important to equip individuals with the tools to handle what comes their way and deeply appreciate the work you do. And equally important to keep eyes on the bigger solutions.
I so agree! I'm glad there are folks dedicated to both ends of the solution spectrum... I hope we can recruit more folks for all aspects of this work too!
I'm really glad there are people like you working to document the big picture and call out those bigger solutions.
This is so good, thank you Molly! Makes me think of Soraya Chemaly's new book...have your read? https://courtney.substack.com/p/resilience-is-not-conformity
Just received it! I read your interview with her when I was about 75% of the way through writing this and incorporated her awesome quote above. Excited to read the book!
Aha! Somehow that didn't come up on my phone at first read. Seeing in my computer now, there it is. Yay! So fun to be "in convo" with you on all this. I'll share with Holding Co, too, and share with my audience in the Sunday 5.
Ha! Yes, this one runs long and is "too long for email" :)
Echo that sentiment -- I loved reading your interview with Soraya. Such a great perspective on this.
And thank you for sharing!
Please and thank you!!! This is exactly the conversation we need to have.
😊❤️😊