Thanks so much for this article, Molly. Not sure if you're still seeing comments on a 6 month old post but just wanted to say how much it resonated with me (not the least of which the similar knee jerk GAH reaction I have to "grit"). Full disclosure I'm a coach and work with mothers who have recently returned back to work after mat leave and I have a module in my program around building resilience and stress management! And yet I absolutely agree with so much of what you shared here. And in my module around resilience we talk about the systemic nature of it (I leaned into Michael Ungar's work to inform the activities that we did). Anyway, I guess my question with regards to your last point around eliminating the external stressor, at what point does that become a source of stress, that the seeming lack of control and/or constant reminder of the lack of control of eliminating these stressors (e.g. toxic work environment, political climate, financial insecurity) compound the stress individuals face.
I completely agree with you. If the expectation was on the individual to clear their own stressors, that's just setting up another failure=stress situation. It should not up to the individual to clear out their external stressors - the toxic work environment, political climate, financial instability. That's why I try to emphasize that "eliminating external stressors" is where the opportunity exists beyond the individual -- workplace protections/culture changes, financial support (e.g. paid leave, child tax credit). Of course, those are biggies and might take a while to shift.
Part of this is also giving space to acknowledge that we will never get to a zero stress scenario (ugh, political climate) but chipping away where we can and identify where the opportunities are with help from partners, family, community, workplace, etc. Extending beyond the individual to decrease the overall exposure. It's not the easiest mindshift sense in our individualistic society but I do think it has more potential for impact.... and is a good reminder that this isn't a YOU issue.
I would actually LOVE your expert thoughts on how you see it apply with the women you work with. If you can join the webinar on Jan 29th -- bit.ly/maternalstressproject_webinar -- that would be awesome. Or send me a DM to set something up.
Thanks so much for the response, Molly! I would’ve loved to attend the webinar but I currently have a conflict at that time and not sure that I will be able to move it. Will it be recorded?
And yes, the mindset shift from the individual to the collective absolutely needs to gain more traction. Being based in the Netherlands (though I’m an American), I’m sensitive to the extent that external stressors such as the big ones the US is lacking (eg lack of paid parental leave) have been reduced and yet still see stress and burnout among mothers here. Of course this is all anecdotal based on my work with clients, and I’m super curious and hungry for research similar to what you have done for the Netherlands or even more broadly European geography.
Your point about our propensity to designate categories to sort and group us into and how it leads to more stress is spot on. I've always felt this tension when society talks about how when you have a baby your "maternal instinct" will suddenly appear - just like flipping a switch. But then, if that instinct doesn't magically materialize, then according to our society's categorizations, we now are failing as mothers. What a way to stack up stress on top of an already stressful period...not to mention the preexisting general anxiety before the baby arrives of related to just the worrying of "will I be a good mother/when will my maternal instinct arrive?"
I really like how Chelsea Conaboy approaches the "myth" of maternal instinct in her book, Mother Brain. I come back to her thinking quite a bit when I approach approach this topic.
2nd comment, replying to your question at the end😅: One thing I'm doing in my own partnership and home to help reduce/eliminate the root sources of stress is to implement some of the Fair Play principles and actually offload some of the mental load / to-dos of the house & parenthood onto my partner or other helpers. And hot damn, has it been helpful. It's resulted in less delegating / trying to better cope with all the things, and instead, truly less things to manage!
This is a really great article, as always Molly! I really appreciate the nuanced approach to how important it is to consider all the different layers of stress. This is incredibly applicable to my work as a career coach partially focused on stress and burnout.
I often try to dance a delicate dance in my work that you always sum up perfectly-- how to balance equipping people with more stress buffer tools while also reducing the amount of stressors they face? How to avoid victim blaming or focusing on surface level solutions while also acknowledging that sometimes we can't fix (or quickly fix) the root cause of the stress so Band-Aids are better than nothing?
I've certainly tried to balance tackling stress all all three levels (threat -> appraisal -> response) in my work, but I'm going to take a fresh look at my stress-focused sessions to make sure it's a balanced approach. Thanks for the inspiration ;)
And, as an aside, on "grit"-- UGH! I sorta hate this word?! Back in my HR consulting days, I can't tell you how often leaders would use excuses like "We just need gritter people" to ignore the fact that their workplaces were toxic and unsustainable. 🤮
I do think its important to equip individuals with the tools to handle what comes their way and deeply appreciate the work you do. And equally important to keep eyes on the bigger solutions.
I so agree! I'm glad there are folks dedicated to both ends of the solution spectrum... I hope we can recruit more folks for all aspects of this work too!
I'm really glad there are people like you working to document the big picture and call out those bigger solutions.
Just received it! I read your interview with her when I was about 75% of the way through writing this and incorporated her awesome quote above. Excited to read the book!
Aha! Somehow that didn't come up on my phone at first read. Seeing in my computer now, there it is. Yay! So fun to be "in convo" with you on all this. I'll share with Holding Co, too, and share with my audience in the Sunday 5.
Thanks so much for this article, Molly. Not sure if you're still seeing comments on a 6 month old post but just wanted to say how much it resonated with me (not the least of which the similar knee jerk GAH reaction I have to "grit"). Full disclosure I'm a coach and work with mothers who have recently returned back to work after mat leave and I have a module in my program around building resilience and stress management! And yet I absolutely agree with so much of what you shared here. And in my module around resilience we talk about the systemic nature of it (I leaned into Michael Ungar's work to inform the activities that we did). Anyway, I guess my question with regards to your last point around eliminating the external stressor, at what point does that become a source of stress, that the seeming lack of control and/or constant reminder of the lack of control of eliminating these stressors (e.g. toxic work environment, political climate, financial insecurity) compound the stress individuals face.
Thanks for this, Karla!
I completely agree with you. If the expectation was on the individual to clear their own stressors, that's just setting up another failure=stress situation. It should not up to the individual to clear out their external stressors - the toxic work environment, political climate, financial instability. That's why I try to emphasize that "eliminating external stressors" is where the opportunity exists beyond the individual -- workplace protections/culture changes, financial support (e.g. paid leave, child tax credit). Of course, those are biggies and might take a while to shift.
Part of this is also giving space to acknowledge that we will never get to a zero stress scenario (ugh, political climate) but chipping away where we can and identify where the opportunities are with help from partners, family, community, workplace, etc. Extending beyond the individual to decrease the overall exposure. It's not the easiest mindshift sense in our individualistic society but I do think it has more potential for impact.... and is a good reminder that this isn't a YOU issue.
I would actually LOVE your expert thoughts on how you see it apply with the women you work with. If you can join the webinar on Jan 29th -- bit.ly/maternalstressproject_webinar -- that would be awesome. Or send me a DM to set something up.
Thanks so much for the response, Molly! I would’ve loved to attend the webinar but I currently have a conflict at that time and not sure that I will be able to move it. Will it be recorded?
And yes, the mindset shift from the individual to the collective absolutely needs to gain more traction. Being based in the Netherlands (though I’m an American), I’m sensitive to the extent that external stressors such as the big ones the US is lacking (eg lack of paid parental leave) have been reduced and yet still see stress and burnout among mothers here. Of course this is all anecdotal based on my work with clients, and I’m super curious and hungry for research similar to what you have done for the Netherlands or even more broadly European geography.
Your point about our propensity to designate categories to sort and group us into and how it leads to more stress is spot on. I've always felt this tension when society talks about how when you have a baby your "maternal instinct" will suddenly appear - just like flipping a switch. But then, if that instinct doesn't magically materialize, then according to our society's categorizations, we now are failing as mothers. What a way to stack up stress on top of an already stressful period...not to mention the preexisting general anxiety before the baby arrives of related to just the worrying of "will I be a good mother/when will my maternal instinct arrive?"
This is an excellent point, Shannon!
I really like how Chelsea Conaboy approaches the "myth" of maternal instinct in her book, Mother Brain. I come back to her thinking quite a bit when I approach approach this topic.
2nd comment, replying to your question at the end😅: One thing I'm doing in my own partnership and home to help reduce/eliminate the root sources of stress is to implement some of the Fair Play principles and actually offload some of the mental load / to-dos of the house & parenthood onto my partner or other helpers. And hot damn, has it been helpful. It's resulted in less delegating / trying to better cope with all the things, and instead, truly less things to manage!
yes yes yes!
This is a really great article, as always Molly! I really appreciate the nuanced approach to how important it is to consider all the different layers of stress. This is incredibly applicable to my work as a career coach partially focused on stress and burnout.
I often try to dance a delicate dance in my work that you always sum up perfectly-- how to balance equipping people with more stress buffer tools while also reducing the amount of stressors they face? How to avoid victim blaming or focusing on surface level solutions while also acknowledging that sometimes we can't fix (or quickly fix) the root cause of the stress so Band-Aids are better than nothing?
I've certainly tried to balance tackling stress all all three levels (threat -> appraisal -> response) in my work, but I'm going to take a fresh look at my stress-focused sessions to make sure it's a balanced approach. Thanks for the inspiration ;)
And, as an aside, on "grit"-- UGH! I sorta hate this word?! Back in my HR consulting days, I can't tell you how often leaders would use excuses like "We just need gritter people" to ignore the fact that their workplaces were toxic and unsustainable. 🤮
Love this, Lydia!
I do think its important to equip individuals with the tools to handle what comes their way and deeply appreciate the work you do. And equally important to keep eyes on the bigger solutions.
I so agree! I'm glad there are folks dedicated to both ends of the solution spectrum... I hope we can recruit more folks for all aspects of this work too!
I'm really glad there are people like you working to document the big picture and call out those bigger solutions.
This is so good, thank you Molly! Makes me think of Soraya Chemaly's new book...have your read? https://courtney.substack.com/p/resilience-is-not-conformity
Just received it! I read your interview with her when I was about 75% of the way through writing this and incorporated her awesome quote above. Excited to read the book!
Aha! Somehow that didn't come up on my phone at first read. Seeing in my computer now, there it is. Yay! So fun to be "in convo" with you on all this. I'll share with Holding Co, too, and share with my audience in the Sunday 5.
Ha! Yes, this one runs long and is "too long for email" :)
Echo that sentiment -- I loved reading your interview with Soraya. Such a great perspective on this.
And thank you for sharing!
Please and thank you!!! This is exactly the conversation we need to have.
😊❤️😊