Great piece - I love how you tied together these disparate research literatures - there are so many testable hypotheses that could come out of your thinking here!
This is fascinating! I am so glad to have a word for what I feel so much - vicarious stress. (My husband seems to feel none of it!) I also appreciate the distinction between necessary intensive parenting and opportunity-hoarding intensive parenting, as taking care of my children is necessarily intensive. The only thing we are hoarding is an excellent occupational therapist :)
The idea that some of what we call “intensive” might just be our bodies trying to get ahead of anticipated stress. It makes sense that if your kid’s hard day lives in your chest too, you might try to manage the whole map in advance. (my parents did that for me). The research on network stress adds another layer to the mental load conversation that so often stops at task lists instead of emotional spillover. I’m walking away reconsidering how much of my own planning is about their future and how much is about my own nervous system trying to cope.
My first is my orchid child and I definitely felt that stress extremely acutely in her early years (I still take care of her and worry about her more than the other two but I learned with time to be less devastated by her stress while doing it - having more children actually helped me in that regard). It's so easily dismissed by well meaning relatives, even my husband - he did start to trust my judgement more with time.
Sometimes I think the dismissal is the worst part!
Like a weird form of (completely unintended) gaslighting, right?
I am just starting to get into a practice of being less devastated by my orchid kids' stress. It's work! But I am also realizing that she knocks out of most things that cause frustration/upset/big emotions faster than I do (and, honestly, may be far less effected!) and so it really is an imagined (vicarious!) stressor... and that is on me.
This hits hard Molly, as a recently diagnosed ADHD mother of one child, whose ADHD assessment is in progress, on the heels of a 6 WEEK school holiday period (Australasia). I am a wreck.
The stress triggered by me feeling I need to solve his problems esp escalating anger or sadness or frustration, on top of managing my own emotions, is extreme.
I am constantly working on the balance between teaching them tools on how to handle their emotions vs letting go vs my ideal calm self being chilled out - v difficult after 6 weeks of 24/7 contact.
I can see why adults invented schools 😂 and we are so lucky that our child loves school.
It’s extremely hard work 😓 being an orchid parent of an orchid child.
He’s a mirror image of myself and I know exactly why he gets frustrated 😩- the difference between us is my age, 14 years of intensive work on myself, therapy, a diagnosis, meds, and, living with a hugely supportive husband who is far more robust in his emotions than I am.
The "mirror image" seems like it could be another level of emotional connectedness that makes everything escalate. Reading your perspective makes me think this is also a part of my own *lopsided intensive parenting* because my daughter reacts the way I react to the world and social situations (and it is very similar to the way I reacted as a child).
Being an "ideal calm self" is very hard! It's great that you have a supportive husband through all of this. I hope you are able to protect some time for yourself ❤️
I love how this connects what we do in parenting to what our bodies are trying to regulate, not just what our minds think is “right.” It makes a lot of sense that some of that intensity is less about control and more about self-preservation. Seeing it as stress management instead of a personality flaw changes the whole tone of the conversation. It adds compassion for why these patterns show up, especially for mothers carrying so much invisible load.
Great piece - I love how you tied together these disparate research literatures - there are so many testable hypotheses that could come out of your thinking here!
Get to work! 😄
This is such an important way of naming what’s usually invisible. Thank you for writing it.
Thank you, Angela!
This is fascinating! I am so glad to have a word for what I feel so much - vicarious stress. (My husband seems to feel none of it!) I also appreciate the distinction between necessary intensive parenting and opportunity-hoarding intensive parenting, as taking care of my children is necessarily intensive. The only thing we are hoarding is an excellent occupational therapist :)
That is justified 'intensive parenting', Annie!
The idea that some of what we call “intensive” might just be our bodies trying to get ahead of anticipated stress. It makes sense that if your kid’s hard day lives in your chest too, you might try to manage the whole map in advance. (my parents did that for me). The research on network stress adds another layer to the mental load conversation that so often stops at task lists instead of emotional spillover. I’m walking away reconsidering how much of my own planning is about their future and how much is about my own nervous system trying to cope.
My first is my orchid child and I definitely felt that stress extremely acutely in her early years (I still take care of her and worry about her more than the other two but I learned with time to be less devastated by her stress while doing it - having more children actually helped me in that regard). It's so easily dismissed by well meaning relatives, even my husband - he did start to trust my judgement more with time.
Sometimes I think the dismissal is the worst part!
Like a weird form of (completely unintended) gaslighting, right?
I am just starting to get into a practice of being less devastated by my orchid kids' stress. It's work! But I am also realizing that she knocks out of most things that cause frustration/upset/big emotions faster than I do (and, honestly, may be far less effected!) and so it really is an imagined (vicarious!) stressor... and that is on me.
This hits hard Molly, as a recently diagnosed ADHD mother of one child, whose ADHD assessment is in progress, on the heels of a 6 WEEK school holiday period (Australasia). I am a wreck.
The stress triggered by me feeling I need to solve his problems esp escalating anger or sadness or frustration, on top of managing my own emotions, is extreme.
I am constantly working on the balance between teaching them tools on how to handle their emotions vs letting go vs my ideal calm self being chilled out - v difficult after 6 weeks of 24/7 contact.
I can see why adults invented schools 😂 and we are so lucky that our child loves school.
It’s extremely hard work 😓 being an orchid parent of an orchid child.
He’s a mirror image of myself and I know exactly why he gets frustrated 😩- the difference between us is my age, 14 years of intensive work on myself, therapy, a diagnosis, meds, and, living with a hugely supportive husband who is far more robust in his emotions than I am.
Thank you for sharing this. That is a lot!
The "mirror image" seems like it could be another level of emotional connectedness that makes everything escalate. Reading your perspective makes me think this is also a part of my own *lopsided intensive parenting* because my daughter reacts the way I react to the world and social situations (and it is very similar to the way I reacted as a child).
Being an "ideal calm self" is very hard! It's great that you have a supportive husband through all of this. I hope you are able to protect some time for yourself ❤️
Thanks Molly, it’s so good to know I’m not the only one who struggles xxx
I love how this connects what we do in parenting to what our bodies are trying to regulate, not just what our minds think is “right.” It makes a lot of sense that some of that intensity is less about control and more about self-preservation. Seeing it as stress management instead of a personality flaw changes the whole tone of the conversation. It adds compassion for why these patterns show up, especially for mothers carrying so much invisible load.
Yes! That’s exactly it. Thank you for this, Nicole!
yes! "how much of the "overprotective mom" stereotype is actually just biology meeting societal pressure" is such a good way of putting it!
Agree!